Hit and Run

This illness is so strange. I think I'd had about 3 good weeks - not ALL the energy I would like, but enough to start thinking that this stage of the illness was over, and that life would be predictable again. Sunday, I had attended two services at church (Jim was running the sound booth), made an apple crisp, and enjoyed a Superbowl party with friends. I was certainly tired and in a little pain, but that much I expected from all the day's activities. I went to bed with my to-do list for Monday on my mind.

Jim came into the bedroom at 1pm Monday afternoon to check on me - I had been in bed for 14 hours. Thinking that getting up and moving around might help, I forced myself from bed. All the old symptoms were back: the slowed gross motor function, numb face, interrupted speech, headache, ice-pick in the ear, shortness of breath. 

On my way to my chair, I noticed the flier for the Drug Bus. A friend sent me an announcement about a mobile service that assists people who cannot afford their prescriptions. It stopped in our town on Monday afternoon, and it was on my calendar to be there. One look at the flier and the tears began to fall. They were tears of frustration, pain, and fear that my life would never be predictable again. The rug had been pulled out from under me, and the realization that I was flat on my back looking at the ceiling AGAIN overwhelmed me.

I spent the rest of the day quietly managing symptoms. By evening, all but the head pain had gone and I felt more like my new, old self, the one that is used to not having much energy. And last night, I went to sleep wondering what this morning would bring.

This morning, I'm wondering what the hell happened. I am tired due to having four hours of sleep, but my brain is clear, I can walk and speak normally, and I even played with the dogs after Jim left for work. I don't know what yesterday was about, but I liken it to a hit and run accident. There is no one to point a finger at and say, "See what you've done??"

This illness has been cowardly, operating in the shadows, sniping at my life from behind an unknown diagnosis. But as I continue to face the Light, as I learn to become Light, shadows will vanish, and there will be no room to hide. It's a matter of time before I have my life back again.

Helen Keller - - Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows. ...